|2003-01-25 11:01, by Julie Solheim-Roe|
How can I get them out and sort them and explain them and justify them and organize them? What madness is it to think we can? As Dee Hock's theories I posted on Thursday describe, there is a madness and disorder to our constant state of becoming. I have been feeling very trapped and blocked in my creative outflow for some time now. The meeting with Flemming and that joy-filled consultant in December was the beginning of my re-emergence... Part of the conversations around specific thoughts and ideas have been wearing on me. Some beloveds in my life have wanted me to define and pin point what indeed is going on for me. If I could just be let to gestate in my own organic flow, and then the pulse the rhythm the idea the thought, yes even a specific one! ... can be discovered! I think I am an explorer of consciousness. Not a discoverer. A traverser. Or Traversess. A winger flow-er grower seer knower finder. Yes to traverse via the many dimensions of our becoming.
I drive past the famous San Gorgonio Pass windmills almost every day during my brief surreal stay of a few months back in the US... doing a crazy hodgepodge of helping an old colleague sell body jewelry as a means to support my baby and our dreams of getting back to England and then finally France by next summer... In my morning trance and ponderance... I whirl past the windmills and think about the famous song --- Like a tunnel that you follow... To a tunnel of its own.... Down a hollow to a cavern... Where the sun has never shone... Like a door that keeps revolving... In a half-forgotten dream... --- and I link back forth and back again always in this dream of my own making.... tracing the corridors of my psyche that is forever out of reach. In this dream of our becoming....
My initiations over here have been so very hard and weary... on so many levels, I must say in all honesty. in many ways it all being 'about Work' for me right now, on the major front of what is up with my present course at hand.... is staggering.... there is some inner continuous Prayer that I am entranced in, though on so many levels... I am just coping with what is before me.... though Life Herself continues to whisper me forth and brings me some strange mixed bag of courage, hope and strength---- must I say, despite it all.... despite it all...... I am climbing a seeming uphill course. But, I can see the Inner Compas' Needle has already some subtle shifts on the Inner... and then, Pop! Looking back at the direction forward... I see indeed a few Shifts have also occurred.
If we are this choardic creatures that must surrender to an organization beyond our desire to control and organize in a flat pancake hallucination model that no longer exists.... then Ming's ideas about how we're all Overwhelmed is accurate.... how do we surrender and abandon the false prisms of our mind? Come into harmony with what is being honed via the organic tests of our continuum? Life swings, balances, remains, sustains... if only we trusted even the underworld initiations in our mythos.... individually and in the transpersonal.
Yes and from one perspective, I have been in a type of Hell, a feeling of 'no way out' --- some sort of trapped mind, state, static state of limbo. And yet the star juice, the spewing stuff that glues it all together, it seems to be all around me even when especially when I am weeping inside... for the prisons we strange beautiful humans create.... and also for the trap doorways into the which we continuously ignore but yet fall into ... in this Thread of Mystery that prevails, again and again and again....... I read an Agatha Christie book last week and loved this quote about 'sins having long shadows'... and I think that's what's happening in my life quite specifically right now. I am somehow coming to terms with my own separation from Life, where I have betrayed myself and hidden from my own decision to say Yes to the gold before me, what I am here to offer.... and at the same time, I feel more in Service in the most simplest ways, to the Unfoldment of the Dreaming Life....
Is it possible the Blog Mind is the great crescendo of the Global Brain --- the cruscendo that Leonard Shlain speaks about in The Alphabet versus the Goddess? That we cannot mind-map that which is driven from the poetic, primal pulse from the Mother's spewing Nebuliac Womb? And what has been trapped, compressed, underground, pushed, within me and within all of us --- is this uncoiling of a large serpentine lover just waiting to slither us into stardust and crystal clear chaordic understandings?
Is the only way for me to awaken from this Trance, is it to just Be the Trance itself? Accept I am always in this state of Becoming? The explorer becomes the map... as Dan Winter puts it, the map literally becomes the terrain! We just do what we do, float where we float, show up as we can, sing the disharmonic chords, and in this spewing the light and emerging pattern finds us out as a reflective mirror of Emergence itself.