| 2003-04-20 14:49, by Julie Solheim-Roe|
I am wondering about the inner patriarchal ideas each of us carry from culture and family. And mine. I know someone’s whose inner critic views her life and all others as either a failure or success. Those who ‘can do it’ and those who simply, can’t won’t or … fate is against, consciousness, luck or whatever. But to me, I always knew it wasn’t about wining or loosing. Rather it’s about the journey and experience, knowledge and wisdom, the Great Mystery and the remembering of something Bigger…
But I just think I figured out what mine is, my ‘inner polarity’. I don’t know if that is a psychologically correct term. The inner Split as I have often referred to ‘it’ as… the one that skews the world into a false sense of division. It is generally linked back to the type of western dysfunctional family, tribe or community one participated in. The Split that keeps the shared hallucination of false models or institutional thought in place. There is a natural Flow… that we Know, feel, dream and hope to return to… the Life we are actually always participating in which is organic, authentic and whole in it’s own non-duality. And then the outer false ideas of heaven and hell that the shared human nightmare makes up. The night mare that gallops through Forget-me-land… full of division and conquering separation. (And yet the ability to self-reflect. Could we do that without the scism?… )
So I figure MY personal polarity is about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. That I think I am going to be proved ‘wrong’ and therefore am sort of always trying to cover up that I am NOT ‘wrong’. But inevitably someone will find out I AM ‘wrong’…. I don’t want it to be about that… and I want to think it isn’t I have to prove myself ‘right’… but the emotionality is that I am afraid of being found out to be ‘wrong’. I always think I need to have a case for my NOT being wrong… but the fact that I can’t really figure out the logic in a box of rational thought… makes me terribly confused. Because I have a sense of knowing in the kaleidoscope of information and senses I get from the many worlds I walk in, and because I put things together in a sort of multi-dimensional process… I feel I need to be more specific, grounded, and linear in order to ‘prove’ something that I naturally experience in a sort of a spiral awakening, coming into a knowing from many different directions and points. And I have allowed myself to feel wrong about that, that that is NOT the way one is ‘suppose’ to ‘do it’… whatever ‘do it’ means. As in yesterday’s featured article, ‘By WHOSE Standards?’ --- yes, indeed, by WHOSE standards, am I comparing myself? I think that if only I can think like them, talk like them, ‘Be’ as grounded with that same ‘iron in my soul’ on the earth plane as all the other ‘right’ ones in the box, then inevitably I can figure out their game, and show them I am not ‘wrong’ for being, actually, from another game entirely. And isn’t this the loneliest experience, then? This inner polarity? That we each walk around carrying an idea of how we will be judged… and therefore, the thought of it --- in ITSELF --- is what keeps us divided?
In a whole world, in a connected universe, can anything in the path of discovery --- EVEN when we are in ‘reaction’, experience, or a limited view --- can any of it really be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’…? And isn’t this duality just as preposterous as the one that figures life is only about the winners and losers?
The madness continues to set in. Deeper in and further in… I feel more divided, more awake, more alone, and more and more closer to the great inner abyss. El Mystere’~~
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I just wrote the above and decided to look up ‘inner polarity’ on google. I found a section on the website of Ken Page, a new age healer. Although I don’t think he really touches upon most important part of the issue in his own story, I found a similar idea from his as my own ‘Ah-Ha’ of the day:
"Usually our inner piece of polarity is locked or hidden in a space of our lives between our conscious recollections. Most times our inner piece of polarity is hidden in a place where we 'lost our heads', either out of fear, anger or rage, or we have become unconscious. It is different for every person. When you find your own inner piece of polarity (and it can usually be found within about five minutes), there will almost be a physical feeling of release, like a puff of smoke going poof.”And I found a site on the Tao Te Ching also using this concept:
”Resolving one’s inner polarity is the key to spiritual growth. There is a tendency for people to undo their good efforts through the action of this inner polarity. The first step is to recognise the action of this polarity and relate this action to the action of outer polarity - seen in societal affairs and in Nature generally. The polarity cannot be abolished only balanced. For example the libido should be balanced against a heightened sense of responsibility. One cannot go around copulating indiscriminately, the consequences would be dreadful. So the desire to copulate must be converted into wanting to improve oneself and others.”I would agree with this Taoism idea. Instead of wanting to transcend or eliminate our polarity – For me, it’s like a layer of an onion, to ‘detox patriarchy’… to continue to come back into balance with what is ALWAYS in unison with true Life. The experience of being human, to react and to respond… doesn’t mean we are ‘less’ (again, polar idea) enlightened, or more ‘done’ with our ‘spiritual work’… it doesn’t mean the separated experiences even, are somehow separate from the WHOLE one. It’s just that we ‘forget.’ Hence the Tao idea of balance. To witness and use ‘Subtle Powers’ for our dance between many worlds … between the broken whirld and the Reality that is within and behind all experiences..
(Later, when I shared this realisation with Ming, he told me he has a technique in his counselling that deals with identifying/ healing the 'inner polarity'. More on this soon~ )